Helping Our Teens and Young Adults Launch
By Wendy Witham, LMFT
As our foster/adoptive teens turn 18, we look forward to them being able to launch successfully into their adult life. Launching might involve finishing high school, going to college, getting vocational training, employment, moving to independent living, taking financial responsibility, and practicing good social and life skills.
We also hope that our teens will pursue good mental health and healthy adult relationships, as well as continuing with their own healing, growth and insight into where they have come from.
Additional Challenges & Questions to Navigate:
This is a challenging time for any teen or young adult, but youth formerly in foster care or from adoptive families are also dealing with other challenges, such as:
- Dealing with and healing from trauma and attachment issues is a process that continues into adulthood.
- Questions reemerge of “who am I” in relation to both biological parents and adoptive/foster parents/relative caregivers?
- Uncertain of their adoptive/foster parents’ level of commitment to them – “Will I be abandoned again?”
- Negotiating how to have adult relationships with their biological family.
- Coping with all this may be amidst lots of dysregulated emotions and behavior
Because of these challenges, our kids usually have a different time-line in launching. There can be many blips and many more years to the process.
How can we help our children with this transition
As our kids launch, we can continue to be a safe base and healthy attachment figure for them. Attachment security in adolescents/young adults has the same effect on development as it does in early childhood: a secure base fosters exploration and the development of cognitive, social and emotional competence, development of constructive coping and social skills. They are able to do “separateness” and “togetherness” – neither losing themselves nor relationships with their parents/caregivers.
Parents and Caregivers Can Continue To:
- Reaffirm and clarify your commitment to the grown child and their place in your family
- Encourage individuation and exploration
- Notice all the small incremental signs of emerging growth in your child. Communicate expectations of/possibility of a successful future
- Help youth take positive risks, explore interests, engage in decision-making, manage tasks, practice problem solving
- Clarify limits and expectations for how you will help them move into adult life. Decide what you can and can not do, what practical support you can offer
- Communicate the criteria for your child living at home/continued financial support, time limits, expected behavior
- Gather resources for child – here are options, you have to decide which to take advantage of
- Base your support and expectations on your youth’s abilities, level of emotional security, history AND your resources/limitations
Sometimes we have to make the difficult decision that a child can’t live with us or have our financial help once they’ve turned 18 due to abusive, dangerous or irresponsible behavior. We may have to say:
- “We love you, and can’t enable you/give you any more money…”
- “We love you, and aren’t able to help you with these issues.”
- “Somewhere else is better and I will help you find those resources, and encourage you, to take advantage of them. You need others right now who can help”
It may be that a break in having the child live with us allows time for us to rest, repair and regroup. This helps us continue to be committed and available as we can.
Valuing Ourselves as Parents/Caregivers as Our Children Launch:
Often we as parents have a wide range of feelings through this process: pride, hope, relief, loss, fatigue, disappointment, ambivalence, concern and many more. It is helpful to take into account who we have been as a parent/caregiver/attachment figure in that child’s life and honor that.
Blog Article Expert Author Biography: Wendy Witham, LMFT, is a therapist in private practice for over 30 years who has worked with teens, adults and families around a variety of concerns. As a single adoptive parent with a grown daughter, Wendy is a longtime member of our Help One Child family network. She serves as a member of the Help One Child Education Committee and has been instrumental in leading parent trainings, writing blog articles, and helping launch and lead our original Parents of Teens+ Support Group.
