Be the Best Parent You Can Be: Reframed
By Roy Eiermann, LCPC
I hate to start with negativity, but….here I go. Sometimes I have the negative thought that I must really be a horrible parent. The thought doesn’t last long and I don’t have the thought often. But it’s definitely crossed my mind as I’ve navigated the world of foster care.
As I’ve done some reflecting, I’ve realized that I base a lot of my success and failure in parenting on the behavior change I see in my kids. Correction, praise, punishment, and celebration. When I’m responding to my kids’ behaviors, am I seeing long-term behavior change? Sometimes, yes. But also, sometimes, no.
Although it’s still not automatic, I’m working to change my mindset on this. I’m focusing less on behavior change and instead, asking myself, “Was I the best version of myself I could be today?” My parenting strategies aren’t perfect. Sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I’m frustrated. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed. Sometimes…..I’m human (actually all the time)!
I’m trying to focus on what I can control-my effort, my action, and my responses. I focus on how I show up every day.
Sometimes that means I have to just walk away from a situation instead of addressing it. Sometimes I’m able to have a deep, meaningful conversation with my kid. Sometimes I don’t say the right thing in just the right way and my pre-teen stomps off to her room because I inadvertently hurt her feelings. Sometimes I compliment her and get a huge hug.
No matter what their response, I reflect back on, “Was I the best version of myself I could be today?” Sometimes all I can do is put food on the table and pass out on the couch. I could fire tons of judgment at myself for this. I could also recognize that I had a very tough day at work, didn’t get much sleep last night, and sat in horrible traffic on my way home. But in this moment, I was the best version of myself I could be.
I’ve decided that small wins, such as a shared smile, a thank you, a moment of laughter, are all worth celebrating. These victories might not seem as obvious as a complete behavioral turnaround, but they are markers of my efforts, my actions. They are confirmation that I am being the “best version of myself I could be today.”
We all know that parenting, especially for those in the foster care system, requires patience, resilience, and love. I want so desperately for my kids to be okay, but I can’t always control that. No matter what I do, their trauma, their history, their biological family, and so many other factors continue to impact them. So, I continue to focus on me.
No, I’m not a horrible parent. I’m doing the best I can. Sometimes that looks like great parenting. Sometimes it looks like a dumpster fire! But I’m choosing to continue showing up as the best possible version of myself I can possibly be in that moment. And in the end, that’s what’s going to help my kids the most as they continue to heal and grow.
Expert Biorgraphy: Roy Eiermann is a licensed clinical professional counselor in the state of Illinois and clinical director at OMNI Youth Services. He specializes in child and adolescent therapy, trauma-informed treatment, and substance abuse services. He can be reached through his website: https://meetmonarch.com/therapist/roy-eiermann-lcpc-hoffman-estates-il
